i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
