News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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