I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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