Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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