I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
