bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
He keeps bees of course he's weird
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
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