in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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