I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
