Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
