you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
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Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
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