I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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