final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
