i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
