we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
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We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
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Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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