Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Mom said you looked used
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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