I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
