Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
