I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
