I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
