Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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