his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
