I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
