I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
