i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
