i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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