you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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