i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
