There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
