Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
