that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
