Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
