You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
