You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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