This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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