Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
