Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
