Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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