I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
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2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Liz is crying about burritos again.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
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We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral