Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
