My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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