my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
