You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
