You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
