ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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