dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
