I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
