My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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