My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
