So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
