My friends, they love my intelligence
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
