when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
