Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Randomize
