Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
