i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
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I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
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He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday