i think i have two assholes
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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