I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.