2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
